This Is A Pen: Percy Jackson Quote Parodies, V2
by TotalDramaKingdomHearts
Summary: The original This Is A Pen, with it's 1000 reviews and 50 chapters, was taken down. And now I'm reviving it, bigger and better! With some of your favorite parodies from the past and some new favorites coming in the future, tune in for This Is A Pen 2.0! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1. A Pen?

This Is A Pen 2.0

The giant monster was still flapping its wings.

"Percy!" called Mr. Brunner.

Percy turned around and caught the pen that Mr. Brunner threw. "What is it?"

"It is an ancient battle sword!"

"…This is a pen!"

"Uncap it!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Percy exclaimed. "What the hell is wrong with you? Some demonic version of my math teacher tries to kill me and you give me a freaking pen?"

"Percy, if you just-"

But Percy was on a roll. "Ancient battle sword? NO! This is a freaking pen! If you were going to give me an ancient battle sword, than straight up give me the damn thing! But no! You give me a freaking pen! How will this help me kill my math teacher? Am I supposed to freaking do my math in pen? Math teacher's worst nightmare, right?"

The monster that had formerly been Mrs. Dodds rolled her eyes at the diva moment.

"And where the hell do you get off saying, oh, uncap it? Are you insane? Uncap it and than what? I'll tell you what! It will still be just a freaking pen! When Zeus took that scythe to chop up Kronos, he was straight up told, 'Yo, Zeus, this is a scythe.' Do I get a freaking scythe? NO! My crippled Latin teacher somehow rolls his way up this way mad fast and tosses a freaking pen at me!"

"PERCY!" Mr. Brunner screamed, frustrated.

"And than you're like oh-oh-oh, yeah, this boy will kill the damn thing with a pen! HOW, I ask you! Because once more, it is NOTHING MORE THAN A FREAKING PEN!"

Mrs. Dodds than got bored of the tantrum and came charging at Percy. Mr. Brunner was going to warn Percy, but he had started another tirade.

"And I uncap it, it is still a freaking pen! LET ME SHOW YOU!" Percy uncaps it and the sword becomes a pen. "Hey, what do you know? It wasn't just a freaking pen after all!"

And than Mrs. Dodds ate him. "OMNOMNOMNOMNOM!" she said as she chewed.

Mr. Brunner face palmed. "It is just a freaking pen? GOD!"

Mrs. Dodds burped. "Next time, throw in an instruction manual."

"The kid is freaking ADHD! If I had wrote in big neon letters, 'UNCAP THE DAMN PEN AND SEE THE FREAKING SWORD', he wouldn't have been able to read it!" Mr. Brunner threw up his hands in frustration. "What is wrong with that boy?"

Mrs. Dodds burped again. "Well, for starters," she began, "He causes indigestion."

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**Those of you familiar with my story will notice how it's been gone for a long time. Long story short, it got taken down for a reason I don't fully understand. 1,000+ reviews and 50+ chapters gone. Well, it's time I revived it as This Is A Pen 2.0. To start off, I'll be doing some of the classic and most popular chapters. From there, new chapters will begin. And trust me when I say that it's going to be better than ever.**

**Whoa, Whoa, Whoa - T.D.**


	2. A Pac-Man?

This Is A Pen 2.0 Chapter 2

"Well," the camp director told Percy, explaining pinochle to him, "It is, along with gladiator fighting and Pac-Man, one of the greatest games ever invented by humans. I would expect all _civilized_ young men to know the rules."

This pissed Percy off, very much so. So much, in fact, that he had to rant. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Percy exclaimed. "What the hell is wrong with you? Freaking PAC-MAN? One of the greatest games ever invented by humans? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard!"

The director's eyes started to glow. Grover was shaking his head at Percy so it looked like he was having a spasm, and Chiron said, "Now, Percy –"

But Percy was on a roll. "How the hell is Pac-Man a great game? All that freaking happens is a goddamn yellow blob chases four idiotic ghosts around a damn square, eating up all of the little coins and the fruit! There is no plot point there! There is no fun in it!"

The director's eyes were glowing so brightly that you could see the brightness from behind his sunglasses.

"I mean, really! Video game nerds flocked to play that game at arcades for years! Pac-Man freaking gave birth to nerds! It created an entire damn generation of bankrupt people with a serious malnutrition problem! And those freaking game machines were so idiotic! Most of the times they just eat your freaking quarter, and even when they don't you need to pay another one to keep playing! Freaking Pac-Man? It was HORRIBLE! There wasn't any blood, any guts, any shootings, any violence, any cleavage – hell, there weren't even any freaking women!"

Chiron was squirming in the presence of the glowing camp director. "Actually, Percy-"

"I WAS GETTING TO THAT PART, HORSIE!" Percy exclaimed. "Now don't – even – get – me –STARTED – on Ms. Pac-Man! Hell, it was just regular Pac-Man with a mole experimenting with lipstick! It was just a phase! And do you have any idea how many nerds worshipped Ms. Pac-Man? Millions! Zeus almighty, how the freaking hell can you think that freaking Pac-Man is one of the greatest games humans ever made?"

The director was now glowing all over. Grover had run away somewhere during Percy's rant, and Chiron was averting his eyes from the director. "How, boy? Because I say so!" And than the director blasted Percy into a huge pile of dust.

"Well, that takes care of that little problem." The director said.

Chiron sighed. "First the Fury, now this!"

The director clapped his hands in delight. "He faced a Fury? How'd it go?"

"Something about a freaking pen. And than OMNOMNOMNOMNOM."

"Interesting." The director played his hand. "I believe I win, Chiron."

Chiron shook his head. "Count again."

"CRAP!" the director said. Than, winking, he said, "Well, you'd better go find Grover."

And as Chiron rose to go look for him, as soon as his back was turned, Dionysus turned HIM into a pile of dust too.

Mr. D than walked off back to the Big House, where a nice game of Pac-Man awaited him.

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**If you've read the original This Is A Pen, feel free to request any of your favorite old chapters before we venture into new material.**


	3. A Bathroom?

This Is A Pen 2.0 Chapter 3

**Parody of a Percy Jackson quote**

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"Like he's 'Big Three' material," Clarisse said as she pushed Percy towards one of the toilets. "Yeah, right. Minotaur probably fell over laughing, he was so stupid looking."

And, unfortunately for her and anyone who was in the nearby area, this set Percy off on what is now the norm for him. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Percy exclaimed. "I am stupid looking? Yo, in what FREAKING universe do YOU have the right to say that I'M stupid looking? DAMN, girl, you look like a freaking pile of FRAKING POOP that was STEPPED ON, than SCRAPED OFF, and freaking STEPPED ON AGAIN."

Clarisse did not take insults lightly. "Listen here, punk -"

But Percy was nowhere near finished. He got himself free of her grasp and stood up. "No, YOU listen BITCH! I got ten times more good looks than YOU do! The only guy that could EVER fall for you would be some DEADBEAT named Chris who is such a loser he turns against you and than comes back later!"

Somewhere in camp, Chris Rodriguez shivers.

"And ANOTHER thing," Percy continued, "I may not know who my daddy is, but DAMN girl, you FREAKING SMELL. Like, FREAKING BAD. And you're just jealous, BITCH. 'Oh, my daddy is Ares, bow and kiss my feet bitches!' But than I show up, and I'm just FREAKING cooler than YOU, BITCH! Yeah, you DAMN BITCH, I freaking KILLED A MINOTAUR! Hell, if I could kill the damn Minotaur, I'd probably be able to kill the damn FREAKING MEGATAUR!"

Annabeth slapped her forehead. "Percy, there is NO Megataur."

Either Percy just didn't hear her or was ignoring her; either way, he was still going on. "Yeah, BITCH! I killed the DAMN MINOTAUR! Bow before me and KISS MY FEET, BITCH! Because what have YOU killed, miss DAUGHTER-OF-A-FREAKING-WAR-GOD? That's right! NOTHING! I haven't even been here like a WEEK and I have ALREADY pwned your FREAKING ASS!"

"JACKSON!" Clarisse screamed.

"Yeah, Clar-iss-a-wimp, SAY MY NAME! Who's the FREAKING AWESOMEST?"

"JACKSON!" Clarisse screamed again, and she was really pissed.

"WHAT?" Percy yelled back. But even if he could kill the DAMN MINOTAUR, he was no match for Clarisse.

"NOW WHAT, MISTER I KILLED A FREIKING MINOTAUR? HAVE FUN IN THE TOILET!" Clarisse yelled as she pushed Percy's head to the ground.

But Percy felt a tug in the pit of his stomach, and he could freaking hear the PLUMBING RUMBLE.

And than water exploded from the damn toilets. Hell, it was more of a damn flood! And after it all, Percy was completely dry while Clarisse was drenched. Percy relished this. "HA! VICTORY, BITCH! TAKE THAT! I AM THE SUPREME LORD OF THE BATHROOM, BITCH! BOW DOWN AND KISS MY FREAKING FEET, BECAUSE PERCY JACKSON HAS PWNED YOU!"

I know what you, the reader, is thinking. 'When does Percy die? He always dies! That's part of the comedy!' But I think Percy may have learned his lesson. Wait, is he saying something again? HA! Wow, sure as hell looks like he didn't! Watch this!

Percy was still ranting. "What's that, BITCH? Your daddy is the freaking WAR GOD but yet you got beat by some PLUMBING? If your daddy is as tough as you, than he must be like a freaking pathetic excuse of a god!"

And than, lo and behold, what the freaking hell, a DAMN BOAR came bursting through the bathroom wall. "WHAT THE HELL?" Percy asked as the boar charged at him. As soon as it made contact, Percy exploded into dust.

Clarisse laughed manically. "Ha! YOU DUMBASS DIVA! NEVER INSULT MY DADDY! NOW YOU'RE A FREAKING PILE OF DUST! KISS MY FEET NOW, JACKSON! WAIT, THAT'S RIGHT! YOU CAN'T! YOU'RE DEAD!"

And than the plumbing freaking exploded again. Clarisse tried to run out, but Annabeth had locked the door. "CRAP!" Clarisse screamed as she drowned.

And Annabeth sat in her cabin. "Well, that was a pretty good day," she said to herself. "Too bad that the plumbing broke, right?"

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**Two more classic chapters will be uploaded before I start with the new material. So if you had any real favorites, or if there's anything you'd like to see in the future, just leave it in a review.**

**Whoa, Whoa, Whoa - T.D.**


	4. A Chihuahua?

This Is A Pen 2.0: Chapter 4

**Parody of a Percy Jackson quote**

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The snake-lady-woman-thing made a hissing noise that might've been laughter. "Be honored, Percy Jackson. Lord Zeus rarely allows me to test a hero with one of my brood. For I am the Mother of Mothers, the terrible Echidna!"

And this just made Percy explode. I mean, he had plenty of opportunities to do so. Last chapter he could've ranted about the pink poodle. Or before he could've ranted about the delay, or sightseeing, or Hades' helm. But no. He held it all in. And unfortunately for Echidna, it was all about to be let out.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Percy exclaimed. "Are you FERAKING telling me that some DEMONIC MONSTROUS SOCIOPATH with some kind of FREAKING DEMON CHIHUAHUA is going to KILL ME? Lady, you're named after a freaking anteater! And you know what? I AIN'T NO ANT! Hell, I'm a freaking DEMIGOD! And you are NOT named after a DEMIGOD-EATER, so I suggest that you be bowing down and kissing m FEET, bitch!"

The Chihuahua growled.

"Oh, what you got boy? YOU GOT NOTHING! Hey, little demon doggie, go back to BEVERLY HILLS! You'll fit RIGHT IN with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan! Hell if you SALIVATE enough, Miley Cyrus might smoke your SALIVA in a BONG!"

Echidna was about to say something when a strange puppet thing appeared. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where the hell am I? This isn't Hogwarts!"

Percy stared strangely at it. "What the HELL are you supposed to be?"

The puppet turned to him. "Well, AQUALAD, my name is HARRY POTTER, and I'm the KING OF THE SCHOOL! I'm COOLER than everybody in the school! I'm HIP and I'm AWESOME! All the GIRLS know my name! H-H-HARRY POTTER. THAT IS MY NAME! Do the shoobeedoowops, guys, okay?"

Echidna goes, "Shoobeedoowop, shoobeedoowop!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS HARRY FREAKING POTTER DOING HERE?" Percy shouted out.

"I'm about to kick your SUSHI ASS, that's why I'm here!"

"Hey, go back to FREAKING PIGFARTS, or wherever it is you DAMN came from! I'm in the middle of trying to fight a DAMN BRITTANY SPEARS look-alike and a CRAPPY TITULAR CHIHUAHUA FROM A DISNEY MOVIE WITH A BAD GEORGE LOPEZ VOICEOVER! I mean, if the damn Chihuahua had said, 'I GOT THIS!', the movie would've been good! But NOOOOO! So if you excuse me, I have some BEVERLY HILLS CRAPHUAHUA ASS to kick! That is, if I could ever open my pen!"

The Harry puppet looked confused. "Have you tried smashing it against the ground?"

"Great idea, Harry!" Percy smashes his pen on the ground and it accidentally uncaps, fatally stabbing the Harry puppet. "NO!" Percy screamed, cradling it in his hands.

"Percy… tell Neville that he has a long bottom… tell Hermione that fanfiction writes really good us stories… tell Dumbledore that he's cool for being gay and all… tell Snape to get over his button… ask Draco if he still likes fire… tell Voldemort that I was never really his moustache buddy… tell Hagrid to beat people with sticks on my behalf… and last but not least… tell Ron, my best friend… that he better LOSE SOME POUNDS IF HE WANTS TO COME TO MY FUNERAL!"

Percy wiped the tears from his eyes. "Okay, Harry. Okay." And as the puppet Harry faded away, faint little 'shoobeedoowops' could be heard all across the globe.

"Now, ANTEATER WOMAN," Percy began, showing off his newly opened sword, "LEMME KILL YOU, BITCH! SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!"

Echidna sighed. "Push him off the cliff, Chimera!"

"ZOMG!" Percy screamed as the Chimera hit him and he plummeted to the water below. "AH! SO MUCH FOR MY LIFE AS A TEENAGE ROBOT!"

"AH HA, BITCHES! WATER CAN'T HURT ME! I'M THE FREAKING SON OF POSEIDON! HA! IMA BE RIGHT BACK, BITCHES, AND YOU CAN START FREAKING KISSING MY FEET AGAIN!"

Percy slams into the water.

Someone has made the water as hard as cement, and as soon as Percy comes into contact with it, Percy dies with blood and gross stuff being spewed everywhere.

Who could have done this?… Luke, the gay traitor? Kronos, the worst daddy ever?

Nope!

While this is happening on Earth, on Olympus…

"Poseidon! Now your boy is dead!" bellowed Zeus.

Poseidon continued to play with his rubber ducky. "Well, he was really getting on my nerves!"

Ares tries to high fives Poseidon. "I hear that, brother!"

"Don't touch me. I might catch your steroids."

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**One more before the new stuff. Which should it be? Btw there's a huge hurricane supposedly tearing things asunder so let's hope it doesn't kill me.**

**Whoa, Whoa, Whoa - T.D.**


	5. A Son of Hades?

This Is A Pen 2.0: Chapter 

**Parody of a Percy Jackson quote**

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"She wanted you to have this," Percy said. He took out of his pocket the little god figurine from his pocket and handed it to Nico.

Nico just held it in his palm, staring at it. Nico looked up at Percy and than back down at the figurine. Percy didn't recognize the symptoms in Nico, but it was true. Nico had come down with the diva. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Nico exclaimed. "Are you trying to tell me that my sister died in a desert, and all you have to say is sorry?"

Percy sighed. "Listen, Nico, when you do a diva rant, you need to use some bad words to spice it up. Using caps lock and referencing pop culture help too."

Nico nodded. "Okay, let me restart."

Percy agreed. "And… go!"

Nico glared ferociously at Percy. "Whoa, whoa, WHOA!"

"Nice touch on the third 'whoa'."

"Thanks."

"Please continue."

"DOUCHE, are you freaking trying to tell me that MY SISTER died in a DAMN DESERT, and ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY is SORRY?"

"Listen, Nico -"

"No! You freaking IDIOT, listen to ME! You are an ASSHOLE for BREAKING YOUR PROMISE! How the HELL could you let her just CLIMB INTO THAT THING? You MAY be ADHD AN DYSLEXIC, but let me tell you a secret: the word that LOOKS like DANGER actually IS DANGER!"

Percy sighed. He had help create this little diva. Crap. "Hey, Nico – can I call you Nick?"

"FU*K NO, DUMBASS!"

"Cool, Nick. Now, hear me out, man! I didn't ASK her to!"

"Well, you didn't FREAKING STOP HER! Anything else OBVIOUS you want to point out, ADHDYSLEXIC?"

"Did you just combine those two words?"

"SHUT UP! Now, here's how it's going to work: I AM STILL FU*KING PISSED AND WILL NOT TELL YOU HOW IT WORKS!"

"Hey, Nick, lay it easy on the F-bombs, why don't you?"

"NO! My SISTER is FREAKING DEAD! And you know what else? HER NAME WAS BIANCA! That means WHITE! But her skin was FREAKING OLIVE! OLIVE, MAN! THAT IS MESSED UP! And ANOTHER thing! You let her die for some MOTHERFREAKING DOLL? NOT COOL!"

"I thought they were action figures."

"Ah, who gives a fu*k what the hell they are?"

"Whoa, little Mel Gibson, don't be getting all bitchy with me!"

"NO! You stop OBSESSING over FRED, _THE LITTLE MERMAID_. And JUSTIN BEIBER!"

"I do NOT like Justin Beiber!"

"Freaking LIAR! I SAW that 'Beiber Fever' t-shirt you have!"

"When the HELL did you see that? I mean, what t-shirt?"

"When I was in your cabin, looking to steal some magical items! But BESIDES THE POINT! You are a MOTHERF***ING FAIL, MAN! You needed the FREAKING GODDESS OF LOVE to get you on that damn quest! You ran away from skeletons and fed astronaut food to a LION! You rode on the back of a DAMN PIG! And than you LET MY SISTER DIE! WHAT IS YOUR DAMN PROBLEM? Hell, than you even GOT a DAM PROBLEM! And you named a monster BESSIE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? You wrestled a HOMELESS SANTA CLAUSE, needed DIONYSUIS to help you, nearly GOT KILLED BY A DRAGON WITH BAD BREATH, and totally FAILED fighting a Titan! They damn straight should've killed you on Olympus!"

"What the HELL is wrong with -"

"NO, PRISSY! MY RANT!"

"You were probably born the same way as those skeletons!"

In his fury at Nico, Percy hadn't noticed the ACTUAL skeletons appear behind him. And he also didn't notice when they killed him.

Nico grinned at the skeletons. "Yo, dudes, BADASS! Mad cool! Since you guys are skeletons and dead and all, let's go party with the ghosts of Billy Mays, MILEY CYRUS' CAREER, and JUSTIN BEIBER'S VIRGINITY!"

The skeletons looked at him curiously as he said the last one.

Nico shrugged as he walked away, and the skeletons followed. "Didn't you hear? Beiber is GAY! Yeah, he secretly had a fling when he went to Never Land… long story, not enough time for a rant. Bottom line? Percy is dead, BITCHES! Who's going to kiss your feet NOW, BITCH! Let's go buy us some INSTA SWORDS and PLAY PAC-MAN!"

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**Not one of my personal favorites, but due to popular demand, here's the Nico learning to rant chapter! Starting with the next chapter we'll be entering into fresh, new territory, so stay tuned for that!**

**Thanks for reading and supporting this story guys. You're all awesome. Well, all but one of you.**

**Whoa, Whoa, Whoa - T.D.**


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